"4 on 4" 'Ockay?
NHL Commissioner Gary Bet-man realized a career-long dream Monday when the leque's Board of Governors voted in sweeping changes to Overtime Rules for the regular season. Hired by the owners as a union-buster, Bet-man cunningly manufactured the beginnings of a permanent 20 per cent reduction in team payroll expenses. And the owners are so happy they're sipping gin fizzes with their offshore bankers, and keeping their yaps happily shut about it all.
Wait a second! Where in the headlines did it say that?
Craftily keying on widespread public boredom with the defense-first game now featured across the NHL, Bet-man argued that the big show needed more offensive excitement. Comatose fans cited the worst offender as the kiss-your-sister thrill of overtime games regularly ending in a tie, often with little more than 2 shots taken in the 5 minute extra session.
So what's the fix? The Board of Governors decided to memorialize Wayne Gretzky's retirement with an homage to his successes (with Jari Kurri of course) in 4 on 4 play during the Oilers' heyday. Back in the day, the Board of Governors (BOG) embarrassed themselves when, in trying to stop the Oliers' juggernaut, the leque temporarily banned the smaller squads during coincidental offsetting minors. The fans hated it, and guess what? - Offense suffered.
Four on four skating in overtimes will increase the number of goals scored in OT, thereby thrilling the fans, the BOG reasoned.
What if fans like it so much, they're ready to accept 4 on 4 lineups for the full game?
Sneaky, eh? What makes it worse is that the match-ups really are 5 on 5, counting the goaler. Five on five? Remind you of anything? Say, a certain sport played with a peach basket instead of a puck biscuit? Of course, Gery Bet-man wouldn't have any past association as an NBA Commissioner's wunderkind or anything. Little wonder the owners recruited him instead of someone with a lifetime knowledge of 'ockay.
Four on four 'ockay over the entire game would mean 4 lines of forwards consisting of only two men per line. That's eight forwards per team instead of twelve. That's a total need of only 16 players dressing for the game instead of twenty. Twenty? That's the magic number to the owners, as in a 20 per cent reduction in payroll if they're paying 16 men to dress fot the game instead of 20.
Will it happen by the 2000/2001 season? Well, maybe not that soon. But if the BOG can unilaterally legislate 4 on 4 'ockay for OT, what's to stop them from legislating it for the 3rd period? And then the 2nd and 3rd periods? And then for the whole game? Certain to happen before the Collective Bargaining Agreement with the NHLPA runs out. The players' union may not like it, but what exactly are they gonna do? Call a work stoppage so the fans can blame them for going back to Jacques Lemaire/NJ Devils boring clog-up-the-neutral zone stuff? Yeah, there's a real PR opportunity.
A key red herring which Bet-man managed to insert at the last minute for the BOG meeting involved scoring changes so that if a team wins in OT, it gains 2 points, and the team "losing" in OT will retain its one "tie point." This one has the bean-counters so incensed, they're forgetting to look towards the real impact the 4 on 4 rule will have on the game, and its insidious links to Bet-man's basketball heritage.
What we can expect to see next season when the 4 on 4 OT rule tales effect.
Luxury Suites move to the Bench?
If a team is lucky enough to have highly skilled skaters and snipers - you won't see them in the last 5 minutes of regulation if the game is already tied. They'll be undergoing an extensive period of R & R (rest and rejuvenation) on the bench while the "prevent defense" is being laid out in front of the goalie. Rest the offensive stars, the better to spring them loose in the wide-open OT where checkers will be about as visible as an ATF tax stamp on a jug of Pudge McFraud's Pruno.
Timeouts?
Expect each team to get at least three of them during OT. If you think about it, what a great way to increase teevee revenues. Beer companies love the thirst-slakers commuting back and forth to the fridge during the nail-biting last "30 minutes" of a 5 minute overtime. Don't believe me? Ask any NBA fan how many total engine overhauls they were able to schedule on their SUV while they were waiting for the last minutes of the game to wind off the clock.
The Worm?
With fewer skaters on the ice during OT, with fewer opportunities to send multiple bodies to crash the net and set screens, picking up the odd rebound and converting will be even more at a premium. The rosters will change from the traditional 4 categories to 5. From goalie, winger, defenseman, and center .. to all these plus a Dennis Rodman role, and player whose sole purpose is to specialize on gobbling up every rebound so his team can maintain the precious puck control vital to 4 on 4 'ockay. Every team will have one. Or two. Or at least one who can wear clothes of both genders.
Hitting?
Get serious. Your team is in OT with only 4 skaters out there, and now you're gonna hit someone and maybe take a penalty and get caught shorthanded on a 4 on 3 penalty kill? Hitting in OT will be about as successful as Goldie Hawn hitting on Patrick Stewart. "Aye Cap'n, if I give 'er any more, she'll come APART." "Make it so, Commander Scott!"
Goalie Substitutions?
Why not? Why not a lot of them? No team is gonna bother trying to mount a serious offense in the 3rd period if the score is tied. There's no incentive whatsoever to give up that GUARANTEED one point. We've all heard that when a crusher becomes a rusher he soon becomes an usher. Well, with 4 on 4 for overtimes, if a player does anything but clog up the neutral zone during the 3rd period, he'll soon find that when you can't wait and try to create your career will abate .. with extreme prejudice. So why not give the number one goaler the last 5 minutes of regulation on the bench. Wouldn't want any of those dehydration cramps during OT causing a goal to get in for the other team, costing you a shot at that free "extra" point.
Speculation in Coffey Futures?
Guess who'll become the hot-ticket trading item for the GM's? The infamous, floating, Offensive Defenceman, Oxymoron Extraordinaire. Somebody's gonna score in OT, so it might as well be your team. Going out there without all four barrels blazing would be like a shotgun fight in a phone booth. The one guy who comes unarmed is quickly gonna be dis-armed, and I don't mean ordnance-wise.
Hooligans?
Whadd'ya get when you have a sport that is built around grabbing a one-goal lead and then committing every resource to marking the other team's shooters in a suffocating blanket so you can at least hold on for the odd win or most certainly a tie. You attract the kind of fan who likes to be a bully. Get the early advantage and then start singing your taunting songs, picking fistfights, and causing seats and barricades to collapse. Oh, and beer concessions go through the roof. This must've been Bet-man's plan all along to end goonery on the ice and transport it up into the stands. Nothing cures a hangover and a black eye for a fan as fast as a bit of the old hair 'o the dog, and don't you know the "Official Beer" of the Los Angeles Kings will be a Fortune 50 company?
A Fritter to Koharski Could Only Mean a Donut
Yeah, we can fritter away a good chunk of time arguing about whether the numbers from great teams in the past reflect the same winning dimensions as the contemporary teams under the new point system. Or, fritter over whether Team A is really no better than Team B, even though Team A beat B twice in OT, but lost only once to Team B in regulation? They'd both have the same number of points. The fans fritter while Nero Bet-man burns down the leque with more sizzle on the ice and less steak for the players and the fans. Nice four-step double dribble down the lane, Bet-man, you sized up your fan base just about right.