CHEZ
ANDY
an Architectural Digest exclusive
..let's get to know the new guy a little better,
after all, he traveled all the way to Europe to schmooze with players,
the least we can do is mosey over to his new pad ..
It's a smallish townhouse, 700 square feet, and modern with that certain Kaufman & Broad tract-house je ne sais crois, if you know what I mean. White in every way fit for one from the Great White North holding whitey sensibilities, with white walls broken by ground-to-roof segments of white cinder block, or "Air-Vol" as it's better known in SoCal.
It's built for entertaining the gazillion friends an itinerate minor league 'ockay co-outch tends to accumulate after moving across two continents every single year to a new team, which is to say, not that many. Imagine, in your breakfast nook at any one time, maybe 2 standing. If you have them face away from each other. There's a fake redwood deck by the complex's pool, which still has "Kusimoto's Koi Pond" stamped on its bottom. And a clay tennis court alongside, as long as you believe East Bay MUD reclaimed "dried sludge" is really "clay."
Inside, a long semicircular formica bar able to seat at least 2 adults and 2 youngsters surrounds the kitchen. The living room is split by an "entertainment center" flushed out with uncountable numbers of 9 inch TV monitors facing out in every possible direction, constantly replaying videotapes of the Kings' fiasco season of 98/99. No sound tracks on the tapes, just a digitized version of the backfeed audio of Jim Fox trying to talk the gun out of Bob Miller's hand when good ole Bob lost it and threatening to euthanize the muskrat on his pate so the poor critter wouldn't have to suffer the ignomy of watching anymore Kings games.
Chez Andy is situated for solitude, just a 2 1/2 minute full-on-sprint from the ice at the new Stapes Center. No need for a car, who has time to get in and buckle up. Wouldn't wanna be a law breaker just to shave some time getting to the office. Nestled in the center of the townhouse developement, three-fourths lush acres bordered by fragrant oleander, whose leaves can serve as a standby tea if your team fails to make the playoffs. Flowers flank a flippantly fluted walkway that allows Andy and his new video replay co-utch Ray Bennet to lug a steamer trunk full of tapes into the townhouse, so long as they walk in tandem.
Chez Andy is almost 2,500 miles from his wife and kids who knew enough to remain in Minnesota. But there's plenty of room for his family when they visit occasionally, because Andy being the workaholic he is, won't be there anyway to help take up precious airspace in this most practical of co-utching digs. "Whatever's in the townhouse will be exactly the same as what will be in my office at our new practice facility, or under the stands at the Staples Center. When my mind's on track, I don't want the distraction of realizing exactly where I am. Where I am .. is working, 24/7. I'd stay in one office by the rink full time if they'd let me, but the owners say they can't afford the workers comp claims from the cleaning ladies when I bash 'em over the head with Sherwood when they get caught not keeping their heads up! I have to be in one of the other places when they show up."
And what secret amenities grace the abode of an NHL head co-utch? How about 24 hour on-site valet service from corporate co-sponsor Starbucks, handing out fresh brewed cups of joe to the co-utch who never sleeps? How about a man-sized pneumatic tube to whisk Andy to LAX in less that 90 seconds so he can jump on a plane and go anywhere on the globe to talk to possibly recalcitrant players and personally promise them a beat down if they try to hold out, thusly screwing with his roster? How about a live-in reference librarian who can look up any stat on any player within 30 seconds, and can tell you how many pimples Aki Berg had on the back of his neck last season when he was playing for TPS-Turku in Finland? How about no chairs or sofas, since Andy is too fidgity ever to sit down? How about stacks of half-emptied trash bags, as this co-utch knows no limits in how far he'll go to check up on players, counting latex just to estimate how much "vital essence" will remain for each contest? How about 5 different editions of Slovak dictionaries just in case some phrase uttered on the ice didn't make sense at that moment?
Do you get the idea that Chez Andy is starting to sound more and more like a war camp? If you think the Kings are in for a face-lift, think again. If in the past you happened to visit Bruce McNall's house, the most likely celebrity you'd run into would be Goldie Hawn. At Chez Andy, it'd most likely be Harry Dean Stanton. Repo Man is always intense!!!"