"..I'm so sick of this #1 and #1-A crap, I'm ready to call up Chairbot and end this thing forever!"
- more than a few dozen RT posters
Just how insensitive and selfish can you fans get? Wanna' know how insensitive and selfish? Be careful what you wish for, you may very well get it. We don't think you can even begin to understand the implications of "selfish and insensitive" until you root for a system that has a clearly defined so-called #1 goaler, and some hack backup making $275,000 a season just to swing the rink-door open and shut.
Take a hard look at Colorado, fer' instance. A very hard look! There Patrick Waaah has apotheosized himself to Sainthood The guy's ego is so big he regularly chops in half the Achille's tendons of his own blueliners if they beat him to the puck in the corners. East of the Colorado River we used to hear El Lay fans taunt Rob Stauber by calling him "Blueline" Rob. Well, how would you feel about your goaler constantly skating around the Redline? And we don't mean for purposes of cherry picking towards the opposition's net. The Avalanche had to hire an additional full time employee to keep stats the NHL doesn't keep, like numbers of passes completed per game, just to satisfy Waaah's insatiable drive to lord it over his own teammates. The poor stat guy had to be hired from MLS just so they could find someone with the requisite experience to know how to count "touches." The NHL.com website had to amend its SuperStats™ so that the categories read, "ice time by possession in zone: home-team zone, neutral zone, opposition-team zone, and Waaah zone.
The Pepsi Center is the only rink in the NHL where the "tidybowl" is not painted blue, but instead is coloured crimson from all the eye-gouging butt-end pokes that Waaah hands out. Instead of Marsh pegs, the posts behind him carry surplus MiG-17 ejection seat cartridges.
Let one of these "modern" goalers get wind of the idea that they're the #1 cheese on the brie table, and you're in for some serious stank, to borrow from what we heard was a previous El Lay marketing gambit. Give him the idea that the team needs their #1 goaler to carry them, and you'll need a Zamboni just to carry his ego onto the ice. His haid will swell up bigger than Pudge's McFraud's beltline after his cellmates put Metamucil into his batch of pruno.
Wanna see Johnny Cochrane pacing the bench in front of Co'utch Murray and Pete Demers? Well, you will, because the guy's wife will hire more lawyers than James Baker plugging every available digit into the recount dikes. You see, not even the Habs in their prime could win every single last game. Every team has to lose at least once in a while. Those are the times we wives get to know the inside of the hospital emergency rooms better than George Cluny porking the latest extra on ER.We don't need some committee of NHL hacks to tell us how wide, deep, and high the pads would have to be to protect us from the boys who wear the "tools of ignorance" during the 3 periods.
Where is the rule written that says a club cannot have a #1 and a #1-A? Probably the same channel where you saw El Lay DA Gil Garcetti arraigning Stephane Fiset or Jamie Storr for spousal battery. For the love of humanity, you fans, is servicing your expediency, wishing for a single #1 goaler, worth the cost? If you think it is, would you please volunteer to go over and pull your goaler's fingernails out of his wife's eyeballs the next time Jaroslav Modry makes a turnover in the last minute with the game tied? Jeez, where are your priorities. We beseeech you, for the love of the Helsinki Accords, please DO NOT stop your constant bickering over which goaler is better, Fiset v. El Tendero. These are the words that give us the courage to get out of bed in the morning.
Pleadingly signed, Mrs. Patrick Waaah Mrs. Sean Burke Mrs. Ron Hextall 'Trono Chapter, Beat-Anon