The NHL
Announces "Save-a-Fan"
..the latest edition of our Investigative
Reports™ series on "Real Life" in the NHL
Part 10- The NHL Decides It's
Sick and Tired of Product Liability Suits...
by the Kourt jEsTeR
"..Hey, I wear a hair-net. Why should the fans
carp about having to watch a game though a net? Is this some protest put
up by Bob Miller, that jealous bastiche?"
- NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman
Investigative Reports™
recently learned some of the "deep backgound" behind moves announced
at the last NHL Board of Governors (BOG) meeting. Wire services in North
America have been running stories for several days about the potential
impacts of new rules requiring that all arenas add special "netting"
at both ends of their rinks, to protect fans from "errant pucks."
The real issues however, Investigative Reports™ has learned, are
the owners' fears of further lawsuits filed by fans maimed or killed by
"disks which have left the playing surface." "I've already
got fans suing me because their Palm Pilots fritzed out when adjoining
fans spill their beers on 'em," gushed Ted Leonisis, owner of the
Washington Capitals and former AOL magnate. "The last thing I need
is some buck-toothed little girl suddenly sending me her orthodontic bills
because she picked up a loose puck off the floor and bit into it thinking
it was a Hostess Ding Dong."
What the public hasn't heard yet are details about how the owners will
start changing their arenas in order to protect their own bottom lines.
The nets won't just hang from the ends of the rinks, like the netting
behind home plate in major leque baseball (whose fans long ago fell into
a coma while watching that product). No sirree, Investigative Reports™
has learned that the NHL already sent orders into the net-makers, specifying
360 degree webbing to stretch from the Jumbotron down to the tops of the
glass.
"Whose bright idea was it in the first place to ever let the pucks
up into the crowd?," asked Michael Eisner, Governor of the Mighty
Ducks of Anaheim and CEO of Disney/ABC, owner of the television rights
package for broadcast of NHL games over the next several years. "This
isn't baseball. The puck is black, fer Chrissake. How's a player supposed
to autograph that? Maybe if they'd follow baseball's lead and just make
the puck white, I could go with the idea of the fans trying to catch 'em.
Besides, the water on any pond I've ever seen is green anyway, so a white
puck on some green frozen water .. aren't green and white complementary
colors? Didn't the Kings have to get rid of black because it became a
gang color?"
In a related development, the media learned at yesterday's NHL press
conference in Toronto that longtime NHL Media Relations Vice-President
Vince Cooley had taken "early retirement." Cooley, who mastermined
such NHL fan-friendly education ventures as "Peter Puck" and
"NHL Breakout," was relieved of his operational duties last
week when Commissioner Bettman learned that Cooley had included specifications
for broad openings in the new nettings. Apparently Cooley thought ir would
be a good idea to allow luxury box owners high over the ice to enjoy totally
unobstructed views of their rinks.
Unnamed sources within the NHL Central Office were willing to confirm
the quote attributed to Betman when the mini-scandal first broke. The
Commissioner was alleged to have complained, "How long has it been
since Cooley attended a game in person, in a real luxury box? Those people
have never come to a hockey rink to watch a hockey game.They have
much better things to do, like talk on their cell phones and read the
WSJ. How does he think the ticket holders will ever notice the netting?
I don't care if only the lower half of the space needs netting,, and that
most pucks never get near the upper half. What a collossal waste of money
to let the luxury box owners see over the top of the nets. Hell, I'm a
lawyer, and don't you think I know the liability risk if even one
puck flies over the top of that barrier?"
To further the NHL's new goal of "Total Fan Safety," the BOG
also approved plans to issue collegiate hockey helmets with their full-face
wire cages to all fans under age 18. Harry Sinden, Boston Bruins' Governor,
moved that no numbers be allowed on the youth brain buckets. Sinden commented,
"Lemme see, I'm supposed to spring for all these helments to lend
to kids? I'm supposed to give 'em out for free, and then collect 'em after
the game is over, like some kinda' goddamned shoe locker at the bowling
alley? Just what do you think will happen if a kid gets the number of
a player he doesn't like? That kid will probably take a dump in that CCM
lid, and then I'm stuck with the bill for having it steam-cleaned. No
thank you, m'am!"
The BOG voted down a proposal for the new netting to be painted the same
color (black) in all 30 NHL arenas. NHL Vice-President for Marketing Cam
McGregor argued that the owners couldn't afford to pass up the opportunties
for vast new square yards of signage, the biggest area of revenue growth
over the past decade for the leque. McGregor envisioned Budweiser logos
that stretch from blueline to blueline, colors painted onto the netting
as brightly as possible. McGregor giggled, "Can't you just see calling
up Target and asking them just how much they'd like to see their logo
painted into the net behind the goals?"
And a nice bonus is that the teevee coverage will have a harder time
seeing all those fans dressed up as empty seats, with the advertising
on the netting causing even further distraction.
Surprisingly, the netting proposals also elicited strong support from
entirely unanticipated corners. NHL Vice-President for Rules & Enforcement,
Colin Campbell, detailed how much simpler his job will be in disciplining
players. "In the days of Old Time 'Ockay," Campbell explained,
"if a fan was really getting on a player's nerves, like telling him
the last biscuit he put in a basket was when his momma slapped his hands
during Lent, the player could just go spearchucker and try to impale the
dork with the butt end of his Sherwood. Many nights we'd find 13 or 14
sticks up in the stands after the game was over. Somehow I don't think
the players will be able to toss their sticks through that netting quite
so easily. At least they won't be as accurate, I do know that."
For the the few fans that actually bothered to wait outside the BOG meeting
rooms at Toronto's posh Parc 55 Hotel, news of the netting plans drew
no resistance at all. One of the fans, who still had stick tape hanging
off his left temple, chortled, "I think beer be going through that
netting without even slowing down, don't you Gord? .. hehe.. hehe."
Syndicated analysts like Michael Farber weighed in quickly as well, speculating
about further changes that would likely evolve with the introduction of
the new fan protections. Farber opined in his weekly TSN column, "With
the new protections, fans won't have to keep their guards up in order
to keep their front teeth. They'll be more relaxed, and ready to buy more
beer! If the owners get canny, for those waitresses that go up and down
the aisles they'll start dressing them up in fishnet stockings, mircoskirts,
and goal-line-red colored thongs. And that will be the last time we hear
fans complaining about people going up and down the aisles any time other
than during a stoppage in play. The only netting the fans will care about
will be the netting on the other end of that Miller Genuine Draft."
As a footnote, the NHL Rules Committee has been working overtime, sincethe
BOG tasked it to create a new name and tradition to replace the venerated
"Hat Trick," since chapeaux will no longer be able to float
down on the ice like petals from the conquering hero's laurel wreath.
Early favorites were rumored to be the "Lid Trick,," an act
of tossing your youngster's helmet onto the netting, for any time a player
manages to knock out one of the refs with a clearing pass (named in honor
of legendary helmet-haired referee Kerry Fraser), and the "Donut
Trick" for any goalie registering a shutout. The NHL was spotted
negotiating with Krispy Kreme owner Huck Hemley on a method for shooting
the greasy pastries into the crowd with one of those air-guns like are
currently used to propel promotional t-shirts into the crowds.
|
| "The last
thing I need is some buck-toothed little girl suddenly sending me
her orthodontic bills because she picked up a loose puck off the floor
and bit into it thinking it was a Hostess Ding Dong." |
| "Besides, the water
on any pond I have ever seen is green anyway, so a white puck on some
green frozen water .. aren't green and white complementary colors?" |
| "I think
beer be going through that netting without even slowing down, don't
you Gord? .. hehe.. hehe." |
|
