"..and if you turn down this offer, I'll see to it you never work in this business again!"
- Kings' Prexy Tim Leiwecke to Kings' Captain Rob Blake, Feb. 28th, 2001
Dave Taylor may have been named The Hockey News's NHL Executive of the Year for saving the Kings' bacon with the last-minute trade of Rob Blake and Steve Reinprecht to Colorado for Adam Deadmarsh, Aaron Miller, a pair of picks and the redoubtable prospect-to-be-named-later, but everyone knows it was Weasel Timmy who engineered the shipping of Rob Blake.
Due to the sloth of the El Lay press, little has been written about Leiwecke's actual role in the ouster of Blake. Little until now. The Online Kingdom's own investigative-reporter-in-residence, your faithful jEsTeR, has been dumpster diving for weeks trying to find the real skinny on this great big fat mistake. Finally, copies of yet-unshredded correspondence were found (note the use of passive voice in order to shield our sources .. uh, thanks Dan, and say hi to your dad) so the info comes straight to you, unedited, unabridged, unexpurgated, and un-fargin' believable to anyone but a loyal Kangs fan. Read on!
Dear Rob,
Your agent Ron Salcer must have told you already that you will never get another contract from us, and that we intend to trade your miserable arse, hopefully to some market smaller than Simcoe (..teeeheeehee). However, we are now writing you this letter to inform you that you will never get another contract from us, and that we intend to trade your miserable arse. You are Canadian, eh? So in that case, just to be triple dog-sure, we are now reiterating that you will never get another contract from us, and that we intend to trade your miserable arse.
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and your boss (but not for long!)
Dear Rob,
You probably read in the papers that your best buddy, Nelson Emerson, has been yakking with all the reporters in town, telling them that I called him into my office and told him how I was caving in and gonna give you $10 million a year for 5 years. And that's what I told him. You were probably really, really, really hoping to hear this news. And to hear it from your bestest buddy must be really special! Trouble is, it's not true. You're not coming back next year. But neither is Nellie (..snicker).
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and your meat-market butcher!
Dear Rob,
Ken Dryden, you know, President of the 'Trono Maple Leafs, called me up the other day to discuss a trade for you. Here's what he said. He said, "Tell that loser Rob Blake I will never, ever, ever, trade for him. NEVER! Besides, I'm got Yanic Perreault. What do I need Rob Blake for?" Just wanted to make sure you knew.
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and Founder, Rob Blake Sucks Club
Dear Rob,
Just wanted to write you to let your know that your wife Brandi came by my office yesterday. She probably won't tell you much about it. So I will. She was all like getting tears in her eyes and her voice quavering and stuff. Mumbling things about how she was gonna hate having to leave El Lay and all. I told her not to worry, that moving wouldn't be necessary after all. I told her how Andy Murray's wife won't leave Minnesota, and since Andy will be around next year (and you will not), she oughta' just shack up with him. I told Brandi his Johnson's probably harder than Chinese 'rithmetic about now, and he's always idolized Scottie Bowman and his heart attacks, and a sweet young thing like her could probably make a 40 year old man look all wrinkled and used up like an 80 year old geezer inside a 5-6 months, so Andy being 50 and all, well, he probably wouldn't even last that long, but he can probably out-Scottie Scottie if he can survive till the season opener. She left crying harder than when she came in, but I dunno if them was tears of joy or what.
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and Yentyl Extraordinaire
Dear Rob,
You've probably been thinking, "Hey, these trade talks must be taking some time. Maybe Leiwecke will die first before the deal is done, and then I'd have a chance to talk my old buddy Stitch into signing me to a new deal."
Oh yeah? Well, I've been thinking about that too. You'll be interested to know I just hired this doctor from CDC in Atlanta who specializes in this rate disease passed around by mosquitos where the victim gets completely paralyzed for a few months, then recovers completely. The deal is, if I die for some reason (say, maybe like running into a few of your farm-boy buddies from Simcoe if I take a short cut through the alley behind actor Robert Blake's house), this doc will say "Hey, he's just paralyzed, but he can still talk." You see, I also hired this ventriloquist guy who will keep repeating from behind me, "Rob Blake will never, ever get another contract from the Los Angeles Kings." ..So, dream away all you want, Robbie boy!
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and stiff extraordinaire
Dear Rob,
It has recently come to light that our beloved owner, Mr. Anschutz, had already budgeted some $11 million to cover your contract for next year, and some unspecified funds even higher for the next few years after that. Who knew? So you're probably thinking, "Leiwecke has never been anything more than Uncle Phil's butt-boy. Call up Salcer and get him to make a reservation for a Brink's truck to make the pick up." As soon as I found this out, I went out and bought a condom vending machine business for $11 million and told Mr. Anschutz we now had something to use to stock all those new fancy restrooms we've been installing in all the new stadiums we've been building. You should've seen Mr. Anschutz's face! Got me a nice raise and another new title, too. Just to be generous, I got Stitch a new title, also. Stitch said to tell you, "Should a position open up on our blueline in the next few years, he would not hire you."
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and Rubber Czar
Dear Rob,
Would you consider a contract for half the money we originally offered? Even though we would NEVER offer you such a thing?
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and just a curious kinda guy
Dear Rob,
The Los Angeles County Dept of Mental Health came over here earlier this morning to warn us that your agent, Ron Salcer, has apparently flipped his lid and gone "bull goose looney" over not getting that fat commission on your new contract. Seems he's been making death threats, and under this thing called the "Tarasoff Rule," they're obligated to inform potential victims of the death threats Salcer's been making. I gues you'll be hearing from the Dept of Mental Health too, if you haven't already. So if he shows up at your place with an axe or something, tell him we were just kidding. We'll happily make sure he gets his commission, We'll pay it ourselves! Explain to him that this contract impasse was never about him. We'll pay him his money, it's just that we'll never, ever, ever sign another contract with you!!!!
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and Benjamin Rush fan
Dear Rob,
You remember how Mr. Anschutz lives in Denver, right? Oh yeah, you were the one who was always asking, "Isn't there an NHL rule that requires the owner to attend a minimum number of home games?" Well, Mr. Anschutz's personal physician sez he heard through the medical grapevine that Peter Forsberg has a spleen that's about as ready to pop as a trailer trash queen who partied five nights straight with her brother nine months ago. Said Peter might last until the final two weeks of May, but definitely not beyond that. Just thought you'd like to know, in advance.
Sincerely,
Tim Leiwecke, Kings President and Executive Director, Denver County Medical Society