Generic "He's a Bum" Template
Sometimes you fans ask, "Where does the Yellow Rag get these beat-writers for their hockey coverage?"
Simple answer - They can hire any minimum wage temp that they want. No experience necessary. Just take one of these story "templates" and fill in the blanks. The YR typesetters do the rest, no editorial review necessary. The following is just one of many templates, this one is labeled "Slacker Player Profile - He's a Bum."
When he was signed to a _________,
(a) one-year
(b) two-year
(c) three-year
(d) four-year
(e) Gulag-sendin', career-endin'
_________,
(a) $375,000
(b) $850,000
(c) $1.667-million
(d) $10.75-million
(e) buck ninety-five-Canadian
_________,
(a) tryout
(b) washout
(c) freak-out
(d) no-trade clause
(e) free-agent
(f) no-Bill-McDonald Interview
contract, _________,
(a) Steve Duchesne
(b) Donald Audette
(c) Jaroslav Modry
(d) Aki Berg
(e) Petr Klima
(f) Mark Visheau
(g) (insert slug here..)
was envisioned as a _________,
(a) defensive stalwart
(b) power-play catalyst
(c) offensive presence
(d) future Lady Byng trophy-winner
(e) pylon
(f) Dominic Lavoie replacement
(g) Toyota sign hitter
(h) Dougie Burnz Memorial punch stopper
among the Kings' _________,
(a) defensemen
(b) forwards
(c) centermen
(d) goaltenders
(e) pine-splinter pullers
(f) farm-hands
(g) Potomski ophthalmic surgeons
But he's a high-priced _________,
(a) cheerleader
(b) press-box gofer
(c) Staples Center Concrete pourer
(d) towel boy
(e) minor leaguer
(f) butt plug
now, having been a healthy scratch on _________,
(a) yesterday
(b) the last 2 games
(c) the last 5 games
(d) since Granny got eat up by the hogs
(e) since the Kings last beat the Stars
and facing inactivity again tonight against _________,
(a) tonight's opponent at the Forum.
(b) tonight's opponent in the AHL.
(c) tonight's opponent at the IHL.
(d) tonight's opponent at the WCHL.
(e) tonight's opponent at the Pasadena Bantam leagues.
Friday, _____________ ,
(a) Doug Bodger
(b) Dominic Lavoie
(c) Charlie Huddy
(d) Cowboy Bill Flett
was back with Rob Blake on the power-play unit, because the Kings were ____________ ,
(a) "working with the team that's going to be playing tomorrow night."
(b) "practicing John Elway's quarterback-barking techniques to pull the opposition offsides."
(c) "the peanut vendor waived his option and refused to report."
(d) "well .. actually we have no fargin' idea why, but he couldn't do any worse than the others."
Coach Larry Robinson said, adding ______________________ ,
(a) "We're going to pretty well stick with the same team that we played against Detroit."
(b) "We're pretty well stuck no matter what we do."
(c) "I'd like to stick Tim Leiwecke out there and watch him get pretty well stuck."
(d) "We pretty well *suck* no matter what we do, and get your proofreaders to stop adding the letter 't' where it doesn't belong "
In part, that's because of the desperate plight the Kings find themselves in: _________ points away from a playoff spot with ________ games left. (Ed's Note - when in doubt, it's okay to enter the number "82" in both blanks, since we know already how these bums' season will end up, and no one will notice anyway.)
In part, it's because of a season-long test of wills between _____________ ,
(a) Duchesne,
(b) Berg
(c) McKenna
(d) Perreault
(e) Gladstone & Disraeli
a self-described ________________,
(a) "offensive defenseman,"
(b) "defensive offenseman,"
(c) "turtling enforcer,"
(d) "chippy Lady Byng Trophy candidate,"
(e) "Tsypakov-trigger-fingered Rocket Richard Trophy candidate,"
(f) "oxymoron du jour,"
and the coaching staff, which finds it _______________,
(a) offensive when he's not a defenseman first.
(b) indefensible when he won't shoot.
(c) harder to figure out than a $45 Bruce McNall map to the warden's sports card collection.
(d) difficult to check into the Smackdown Hotel because they keep getting lost on Know Your Role Blvd
And in part, it's because the Kings told Robinson to ______________,
(a) do it.
(b) stuff it.
(c) not call us, we'll call you.
(d) say "hi" to the polo ponies for us.
Captain Blake and alternates Bodger, Luc Robitaille and Garry Galley delivered a hard-line message in a meeting with Robinson on ____________.
Robinson answered, "The players, that was the biggest thing they came to me and said, ___________
(a) 'Let's work on this reward system,'
(b) 'We could understand you better if you'd start your sentences out with only one noun for a subject.'
(c) 'Let's work on our golf game.'
(d) 'Does the phrase 'inmates running the asylum' mean anything to you?'
Robinson continued. ___________________ ,
(a)"If the team's playing well, why mix it up? ... They feel that if they stick with the same guys, they will go and beat any team. So we'll try it."
(b) "If the team's more than ten games under .500, why mix it up? ... They feel that if they stick with the same guys, the other team may get bored enough to forfeit. So we'll try it."
(c) "If the team's not playing well, why not mix it up? ... Scotty Bowman won the Nobel Prize in Physics for showing that Chaos Theory had replaced Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. So why not?"
________________ has drawn criticism from Robinson for ________________ ,
(a) a lack of physical play and for mistakes with the puck.
(b) hitting the Toyota sign with 56 consecutive shots, tying the late Dimaggio's record.
(c) scratching his nards instead of backchecking.
(d) holding out on his pimp for the Escort Services he's been providing .. "Where's my $$$, beeyatch?"
He has been _________________ ,
(a) pressing, trying too hard, holding onto the puck too long instead of moving it and making poor decisions.
(b) slacking off, running away from the puck, and hiding behind the bench, all good decisions given the slugs he's playing with.
(c) displaying the characteristics that had him labeled as a "disgrace to the WCHL" which he certainly is.according to coaches.
And he's sitting.
"It's never easy," __________ said. "It's pretty much the first time in my career something like this has happened, so it's hard." That career has spanned _________ NHL seasons, with ______ goals and ____________ assists, and has included _________________ ,
(a) developing a reputation as a power-play quarterback.
(b) developing a "relationship" with the towel-boy.
(c) developing film at FotoMat.
(d) developing a scorching case of herpes.
(e) developing "Elfin Art Sculptures" with the pine splinters sticking out of his arse.
# 30 #
Perhaps this format looks a wee bit familiar in some way?